I'm back. From a long, long break in so many good things - productivity, tranquility, active optimism ... but I am absolutely back. Oy. So the first quarter of my fourth decade did not reflect me at my finest ... hence the lack of 'fessing up on this blahhhhhhhgggggg. I told Y that I have this - apparently never mentioned it before - and he said, "Most people I know start these things and gradually taper off - " and if you look at how many posts I've done per year, you will see that he knoweth of what he speaketh. He doeth.
I have a slight lisp, by the way, which I've not thought of in ages - and like clockwork, ath thoon ath I mention it, it manifethth. Okay - enough of thith thubject.
Um, what else. I slept literally not a second last night, and if my track record with ye olde insomnia proves accurate, I shall not sleep at all tonight either - it's a two-day thing with me. And I'm off the crazy-making prescription sleep aids as well as the quantities of booze more suitable for a college freshman than a ... gulp ... woman. I've only started referring to myself as a "woman" in the past six months or so - not a conscious decision, but I've resisted that word forever - "girl" seemed so much more appealing. But girls make mistakes and drink too much and pick fights and don't find their ways and that's okay - they're girls. I'm technically not. And so begins the new era of me - the adult me - the one who knows how to drink like an adult, meaning on occasion and not to excess, and who had put her past behind her and is focused on the present and calmly optimistic about the future. And somehow, miraculously it almost feels, I've crossed the threshold at last and am ready to embrace life and stop fighting it. It was one too many completely avoidable errors in judgment that prompted this but it seemed to happen organically and spiritually (yes, BB, the treehugger is in effect).
Wow - how comforting it is to know that this drivel* is not falling on deaf ears.
*I know it's not drivel - because I like my writing and I like writing and that's really all that should matter in this forum.
I've been thinking a lot about mythologies - not of the Greek or Roman persuasion, but of the human kind. We are all characters of our own mythologies - what we've perceived ourselves to be, often based on messages we've heard our entire lives, what we're "supposed" to be. Is this making any sense? Probably not but hear me out and I will clarify after I've had some sleep - which should be by April at latest. Par exemple - a child's earliest emotional imprint is created by the adults in his or her world. The messages received before we are cognizant that we are receiving them mark us for a very long time. And if we don't realize we are capable of change, they can stay with us forever; they become incorporated into our mythology. i.e. I am perfect, or I am deeply flawed, and/or I am unfixable ... whatever our perception, it becomes part of the fabric of who we think we are - and we act accordingly. For forty years I've felt deeply flawed and unfixable - no one ever told me that I was, but that was my young, young self's idea of how I was perceived by the world. And so I've acted accordingly for forty years - and guess what? Turns out that's ridiculous. But as a highly sensitive and self-analytical being, in my immaturity that's what I took in and that's what I decided I was. And it became a self-fulfilling prophesy. And so despite all the positive I've heard over the last - as far back as I can recall I'll say 24ish years - the first time I recall actively receiving a positive, you're-not-a-weirdo, you're-not-"wrong" message from a peer - I've held on tightly to every negative word I've ever heard directed at me. Rhetorical question: why is it so much harder to embrace the positive messages than it is the negative?
I have finally figured out that that deeply flawed unfixable nonsense was my mythology, not my truth. Forgive me for sounding boastful, but I have some pretty damn good attributes. At my best, I am a loving and caring and supportive and loyal person. And my dear friends recognize this. But I hadn't - and so despite the incredible support system I've had for decades, I have fought against and sabotaged my real and good self and ruptured so many of my relationships that I'm amazed I'm still intact.
I am absolutely one billion percent ready to let go of the past - of the pain I've felt I've had to hold onto. I love my family beyond words. I love my friends in a very different way beyond beyond words. We've all made mistakes, we are all human and thus flawed, we are all "fixable" if we choose to be. I don't need to defend myself anymore against my mythology - because the fact of the matter is a) my defense mechanisms were absolute failures, as may be the nature of defense mechanisms, and b)I AM capable of transformation and thus of greatness. We all are. But I have to say, it must be exponentially more difficult to transform without people who champion us. I think so highly of the people in my life - family, Tara, Ivy, Lisa spring instantly to mind as steady supporters, JB, whom I've never met in three dimensions, as a lovely surprise - like BB - and so many more who absolutely know who they are - that it almost doesn't occur to me that they share my fears and self doubts and insecurities and all the rest on any level - they are all so strong and evolved. You are all, I should say, because I know that at least you guys are reading this. And you have all played significant roles - seriously - in getting me to where I am struggling to explain I have finally gotten - which is READY TO GROW UP.
So here we go, my friends - a new era has begun. For real, this time. I promise to let go of sadness and regret about the past forty years, be grateful for all the good that has gotten me to this point, be present in the present and be productive and strong and determined and manifest a future in kind. And I'm going to make you all so proud. I promise. You deserve it. You guys rock.
I'm exhausto.
