Beautiful girl

A friend of a friend took her life on Thursday. She'd battled very real demons for quite some time, and they finally took over. Not "finally" because it was an inevitability; human resilience never ceases to amaze me. "Finally" because demons can be tenacious, will try with all their might to get the best of us. I mourn the loss of this woman, Annie. I feel like I "get" her.

I've told this to very few people, but last year, winter of 2008, I went through a fairly intensive training program for Samaritans, one of the oldest suicide prevention hotlines in the world. This was, oddly, a credential of sorts - the process for inclusion in this group reads like a reality show; despite how human he was, the director had to be tough. Obviously. Candidates were elminated after each training session. I made it toward the end, and Neil finally asked me if this was a good idea. I have first-hand knowledge of depression which, while not fun, has made me comfortable with some of the darkest human experiences. I am not and have never been suicidal, but I get it. And I wish I could prevent it. But one of the many things I learned while I was in training is that ultimately, insurance and religion aside, it is our right as human beings to choose to end our lives.

This is nothing if not complicated.

I have so much more to say on this topic, but right now I feel like reprinting a poem I've already presented here. I wish I could convey this to Annie, but I can't.

Rest in peace, beautiful girl. May you now find the tranquility that so eluded you in life.

***
Wild Geese

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.

You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

-Mary Oliver