Donc, je suis

I'm trying something out. I'm going to post something I wrote without editing it. Bear in mind that this was written somewhere between 5 and 7 yesterday morning -- I have not slept, at all, since Saturday night. It's not as alarming as it sounds ... I've had insomnia for as long as I can recall and I know the way mine works. It's usually a two-night deal. I will sleep, eventually, and I will be fine. Right now I feel as though I'm suspended in aspic. That said, here are some rambling musings from sometime between everyone's-asleep and sunrise:

Why

Why do I do things like pour boiling water into a teacup in near-darkness when I’ve been up all night with insomnia and then why do I carry my too-full cup of tea over to the table above my parents’ light-colored rug still without having turned up the lights?

I will never bungee jump.

This is our year. I’m cautiously optimistic. My muse has returned; let the blessed thing stay.

My dog is beautiful.

Dear God – or muse – let me get through this year without putting in writing a single cliché. Actually, there are many things I wish for more. Please strike that from record. And please don’t get me started on adverbs.

2004 (read that twice – 2004, not ‘9) was an incredibly difficult year. I’ve had far more of those than I care to acknowledge but that was a particularly that-kind-of year. Yikes. But I sure was prolific. Now, to write from a place of calm and promise, not hopeless inertia.

I wish I could keep everyone safe and warm (unless it’s hot out, which right now it isn’t) forever and ever. I love with a love that is more than a love.

I’m writing a novel, a play, one or two children’s books and a whole lot of emails. Please hold me to that.

Should I be embarrassed that I like Facebook?

Fuck it – I’ve spent far too many hours being embarrassed and second-guessing my taste in things.

I should curse less. I never got into saying “swear”. It sounds a bit provincial to me. Notthatthere’sanythingwrongwiththat. Argh – a cliché and a Seinfeld reference all in one shot. Oy vey says the wannabe Buddhist. Or wannabe real Jew. Or something.

“I believe in all paths to God.”

Beautiful sunrise. Thank you, insomnia. And thank you, winter, for this beautiful snow. And thank you, parents, for this beautiful life. Thank you, sleeping man, for proving that love can be calm and complete. So many more thank yous … this could go on forever.

May there be a forever. And may it be paradise.