My mind is heavy these days - my mind and my heart, but that sounds so cliché - and I just have to wait this phase out. I don't know if I should be writing about this at all. I don't know why I don't spill my thoughts into some kind of journal first, clear my head before writing for public consumption. I know, I know, the whole validation thing, product of this faux-writer's ego and whatever I decided a while back was my "emotional imprint", as they say in the books and on the talk shows. Freshen up those Psych 101 skills; the people I most want to talk to about what's going on are the ones I can't put this onto right now. I have great folks around me, of course, but no one can address what I'm feeling in quite the same way as they can, for better or for worse. And so I lie awake, which I do anyway, but this time insomnia is a montage of past and current regrets and a panicked glimpse of a stark future I'd never be ready for. And when I sleep I sleep the wrong hours, throw everything off balance and disappoint the people I most want to protect. I generally want to hibernate but at least once or twice a day, usually around this time, my eyes start to leak and I crave company.
Does this make any sense?
I was coming out of the shower before and heard N in the other room; he'd just come in. I practiced my greeting in my head first, "I thought I heard you!", thinking it sounded like what someone who was feeling "normal" might say.
Looking forward to this phase being over? Me too (and them too, and him too, and the dog too). In the meantime, I will talk about other things here. I just needed to get that other bit out.
Does any of this make sense? It does to me.
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