You know I had my share

So ... 2010. Not going to lie to you, I haven't been perfect this year. But I take comfort in the fact that I have 351 more chances to start anew ... in the modern day Western way of looking at things.

Good things I've done in 2010:

Made a new friend (hi, you)
Repaired an old friendship
Kept all but one appointment
Exercised (fitness-wise, though in truth I've exercised many things)
Done one of the bad things I sometimes do less
Deeply and sincerely acknowledged friends' triumphs and difficulties
Gone to film and theater
Read
Practiced French
"Cooked"
Blahgggggged

I'm exhausted. I have insomnia.

I'm going to try to sleep.

I love.

Donc, je suis

I'm trying something out. I'm going to post something I wrote without editing it. Bear in mind that this was written somewhere between 5 and 7 yesterday morning -- I have not slept, at all, since Saturday night. It's not as alarming as it sounds ... I've had insomnia for as long as I can recall and I know the way mine works. It's usually a two-night deal. I will sleep, eventually, and I will be fine. Right now I feel as though I'm suspended in aspic. That said, here are some rambling musings from sometime between everyone's-asleep and sunrise:

Why

Why do I do things like pour boiling water into a teacup in near-darkness when I’ve been up all night with insomnia and then why do I carry my too-full cup of tea over to the table above my parents’ light-colored rug still without having turned up the lights?

I will never bungee jump.

This is our year. I’m cautiously optimistic. My muse has returned; let the blessed thing stay.

My dog is beautiful.

Dear God – or muse – let me get through this year without putting in writing a single cliché. Actually, there are many things I wish for more. Please strike that from record. And please don’t get me started on adverbs.

2004 (read that twice – 2004, not ‘9) was an incredibly difficult year. I’ve had far more of those than I care to acknowledge but that was a particularly that-kind-of year. Yikes. But I sure was prolific. Now, to write from a place of calm and promise, not hopeless inertia.

I wish I could keep everyone safe and warm (unless it’s hot out, which right now it isn’t) forever and ever. I love with a love that is more than a love.

I’m writing a novel, a play, one or two children’s books and a whole lot of emails. Please hold me to that.

Should I be embarrassed that I like Facebook?

Fuck it – I’ve spent far too many hours being embarrassed and second-guessing my taste in things.

I should curse less. I never got into saying “swear”. It sounds a bit provincial to me. Notthatthere’sanythingwrongwiththat. Argh – a cliché and a Seinfeld reference all in one shot. Oy vey says the wannabe Buddhist. Or wannabe real Jew. Or something.

“I believe in all paths to God.”

Beautiful sunrise. Thank you, insomnia. And thank you, winter, for this beautiful snow. And thank you, parents, for this beautiful life. Thank you, sleeping man, for proving that love can be calm and complete. So many more thank yous … this could go on forever.

May there be a forever. And may it be paradise.

Baby, hold on to me ...

It's the last day of 2009 and as I sit in my warm apartment next to my odd little dog watching the rain-snow hybrid that may or may not impede today's travel plans, it seems the right time to make resolutions. I have one this year: to do everything a little bit better. Everything. I want to work better, write better, make better coffee, cancel fewer appointments, take my vitamins more often than not, drink less, exercise more, take Louie on longer walks, sleep better, be more patient, cook a little bit, watch better movies, read more, keep better tabs on my money, speak better French, learn more Russian, and so on. I have the dubious advantage of turning a new year at the same time as most of the western world, and a few nights ago I rang in the end of my 30s with a great group of friends old and new. And a very diverse group. And it's times like these -- as well as the lovely, intimate Christmas I had with my family -- that I realize what a tremendous amount I actually have if I could just trust it, nurture it, and stop being paralyzed by imperfection.

I will always have my dark side but it needn't have me -- I can weather the lows as gracefully as I can the highs; at this point it's a choice. I know so well what it feels like to hibernate, to shut down productivity because, well, I have this thing that's wrong with me sometimes where my moods don't fit the situation at hand and much easier to hide under my pillows than it is to face the world. I do dysfunctional beautifully -- I'm a pro -- and I don't think I need to prove this anymore so that the world cuts me some slack. I've been given plenty of slack. It's time to move onto the next phase.

Part of this is being kinder and more patient with myself. Somewhere along the way I adopted this all or nothing attitude without really thinking it through. I don't consciously decide after, say, not working out for two weeks that I will see how slothlike I can become before something (event? reunion? vacation?) forces me to "get in shape" in a hurry and I become obsessive about it. Nor do I decide after month or two of avoiding my novel-in-progress that I will wait another four months until, in a fit of confidence I read over the last bit I've written and realize it isn't actually terrible.

In the interest of being realistic, I am not going to resolve to work out five days a week/write 500 words a day/ update this thing every day/ never spend another day wallowing in chemical imbalance and hiding from the world ... instead, I resolve to do the good things more often and the "bad" things less. And maybe in treating myself better, I'll be a better friend/daughter/sister/mom/girlfriend/tenant/neighbor than ever before.

I wish for all of you a 2010 that shines with inspiration and possibility and the strength and patience to make it work for you.

Words

Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment. -Robert Benchley

I think I've made updating this blahg more stressful than need be, by setting a precedent with the photos. That's the part that can be the most time-consuming (choosing and uploading) ... in fact, I am a writer, so I should be comfortable with simply writing, right? Right.

Okay then. However, at the moment I have three book proposals to work on, a review to write, and a website to editorialize. And so, with the knowledge that I can once again use this as a forum for procrastination, I will have to do so later...

Then again ...

My dear friend Ivy, who reminds me in the pic above of Catherine Deneuve in Repulsion, called me this afternoon to see how I'm feeling. She asked what I'm taking and when I told her, she said, "Fuck that -- I'm bringing you some good old fashioned western medicine. If you grow a third arm you'll be a better piano player."

She appeared a short time later with a care package of Claritin D, Advil, Robitussen, Afrin, Vicks Vaporub, Puff's Plus, Cosmo and People.

I'm starting to feel better. Must be the neti pot.

Hot and sour soup for the soul

I don't get sick often -- as in colds, flu, that sort of thing. This week I came down with a full-on cold, the week before the largest event for which I have ever been single-handedly responsible. That would be Neil's surprise 50th -- I can say this, because my darling luddite has no idea how to find this blahhhggg.

As such, I have made a full-time job out of trying to get well, using every remedy that's ever been suggested to me. These include but are not limited to:

-Going to the doctor to learn that they have not yet found a cure for the common cold
-Chicken soup
-Hot and sour soup
-Ginger tea with cayenne and lemon juice
-Regular tea with honey and lemon
-Gypsy Cold Cure(tm) tea, by the potful
-Dandelion tea, also by the potful*
-Vitamin C
-Airborne
-This homepathic sugary substance one ingests sublinguallly
-So much garlic it's absurd
-A neti pot (I know, but you get used to it)
-Something called Wellness Formula, in which I have high hopes
-Tons of water (with lemon, of course)
-Sleep
-Exercise
-Skipping exercise
-Prayer

The end result? There is still no cure for the common cold.

That said, God willing, Saturday will be wonderful and Neil will be happy.

*full disclosure -- this is more for slimming purposes, to eliminate the water that all these remedies make one retain. It works!

All we need is love

I'm truly sorry to have written so many mournful posts this year. I am actually having a pretty good one, work, family, man, dog, and self-wise. But death is a part of life; in fact it's the concept that keeps me from being truly calm and centered, the idea of losing those I love and of wasting my own life. I'm working on this.

In the post below I wrote that human resilience never ceases to amaze me (yes, I realize I've just quoted myself, but hear me out on this one). Of equally morbid fascination, though, are the depths to which human ignorance can plummet, and the things that prevail in people's minds.

A 49-year-old man, Jack Price, was attacked last night in Queens because he was gay. He's now in a medically induced coma. I did not know him; I read about him in the news. This is also the anniversary of Matthew Shepard's death.

For lack of anything more erudite to say at this hour, what the fuck?

I just don't get it, on any level.

Whether or not you like Keith Olbermann, please watch this.

Kindness and compassion. That's what it's all about.

Sing of the past as you behold the dawn of hope in my eyes, for
It's magic meaning is a soft bed upon which my heart rests.
-Khalil Gibran