Woof

You can dress your dog up in all the holiday finery he'll allow, but you can't force him to feel the holiday spirit until he's good and ready.

Turn and face the strain...

Hello,

I'm so sorry (I know I wasn't going to say that, but I really am) for the sporadic nature of my musings this fall ... there's been so much going on that I haven't really known where to begin chronicling it. I've been inspired at inconvenient times and thought through what I wanted to write, and by the time I was in front of my laptop, more things had happened and my original thoughts were rendered obsolete - incongruous - uninspiring and blah blah blah insert one from my arsenal of excuses here ...

'Tis the season to be scatterbrained.

So, 2008 ... oy vey. So much change, so many endings and beginnings, it's been mind-boggling, but I must say, I think I've come out stronger and smarter for it all.

I have accomplished a lot this year, much of it intangible. I have made some mistakes, large and small, and I have learned from them. It's said that the definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior and expecting different results. I'm not sure that's insanity ... I have a whole lot of everything to say on that topic ... but I get the message. And that is what separates the people with whom I connect ... truly, deeply, connect in a wavelength - kindred spirit - fleeting-or-permanent soulmate kind of way ... from those with whom I don't.

I've severed ties (sans premeditation) with two people who had been vital parts of my life for several years. And as painful and disappointing as the processes have been -- you all know how infrequently I sever ties -- they've also been necessary acts of self-preservation. When the scales tip in favor of the toxicity of a relationship, and stay there, it is time to move on. And for someone like me (whatever the hell that means) there likely needs to be an explosion to precipitate an ending ... lest there be an implosion further down the line.

I have learned so much this year about myself and the world and the people in my life. And I forgive myself my errors in judgment and messy actions and reactions. If I had to choose one all-encompassing goal for the duration of my days, it would be to move into the great unknown (another topic about which I could spew for hours) with no regrets and a hugely expanded mind.

I'm feeling really good these days, but the Christmas thing hasn't hit me yet. That said, I rarely say no to a festive cocktail or passed hors d'oeuvre.

More to come. Welcome back.

Blue

A friend told me to go out and look at the moon tonight, because for about 45 minutes it shared an unusual alignment with Jupiter and Venus, I believe it was. This was good advice and took me out of the melancholy I've wallowed in all day.

This weekend I spent time with someone I've known for quite a while, someone who will always be a link to my younger days. To some of the most significant moments of my life thus far. This is a person I care about deeply, and who represents, in a way, other courses my life might have taken.

I don't mean to imply that I wish I were elsewhere -- my life is rich and wonderful -- but at times I'm reminded of how vast and infinite our possibilities are. As I described it to a friend, I feel as though I stopped by a world I once lived in, and it's jumbled my mind and my heart.

I'll always hold a torch for days gone by, but I truly do love my life right now, and the choices that have led me to this point are among the best I've made.

I just went into the kitchen, where Neil is preparing a tagine of lamb and root vegetables and something with mint, and told him how I'm feeling. And he said, "This is a melancholy time of year." And this is part of what is so right in my life -- my sweet little family.

Whenever I hear the song "Kooks" by David Bowie, I feel as though it's Neil and me singing to Louie:


We bought a lot of things to keep you warm and dry
And a funny old crib on which the paint wont dry
I bought you a pair of shoes
A trumpet you can blow
And a book of rules
On what to say to people when they pick on you
cause if you stay with us youre gonna be pretty kookie too

Soon you'll grow, so take a chance
With a couple of kooks
Hung up on romancing

Writing this has been cathartic.