Thursday, December 30, 2010

Sleepless

Today is 2010's swan song ... I am in Paris, where it is currently 4:30 am, give or take quelque minutes. My parents have brought me and some family friends here as part of their very generous nod to my 40th birthday ... which I spent largely on an airplane on Tuesday. Next to an off-duty pilot, which was comforting -- he slept peacefully through fairly turbulent turbulence, and so I took my cues from him.

Forty. It's been quite a journey getting here -- a dizzying array of ups, downs, and sideways'. The highs have been extraordinary, the depths I've sunk to terrifying, and I have emerged strong and smart and capable and ready to manifest my present and future in the best way possible. Certainly there will be steps backwards, but I strive to take many more forward as I put into use the many lessons I've learned along the way. I once thought that was what my thirties were meant to be about; the closer I got to this decade, the more certain I became that in fact forty is the beginning of the best years. I hope I don't sound like a motivational coffee mug.

This past year has been one of beginnings and endings - very bittersweet. I've been using that word a lot lately to describe my current situation - and it really is that. I so look forward to sweet taking center stage, but I realize I have to be patient and to accept the fact that I can not control anyone's destiny or feelings besides my own. That realization has been decades in the making. I wish I could convince those who need convincing that the challenging, sad, or seemingly insurmountable phases do not last forever and that tranquility is attainable, but I can not. Just as no one could "convince" me of the aforementioned realization until I was ready - ready to relinquish decades of misplaced guilt and regret and fears that could not be assuaged no matter how much logic I attempted to embrace. My emotions have always taken over and I think I've feared letting that not be the case because on some plane, overriding my feelings with intellect felt dangerous.

Now that I realize I can update this blahg from here, I hope to do so a few more times before our triumphant return to the states on Tuesday.

For now, bonsoir, buenos noches, buona sera, ar labu nakti,leilatov. Now you know what the address above means. xoL

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Ham on rye

The Laughing Heart

your life is your life
don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission.
be on the watch.
there are ways out.
there is a light somewhere.
it may not be much light but
it beats the darkness.
be on the watch.
the gods will offer you chances.
know them.
take them.
you can’t beat death but
you can beat death in life, sometimes.
and the more often you learn to do it,
the more light there will be.
your life is your life.
know it while you have it.
you are marvelous
the gods wait to delight
in you.

-- by Charles Bukowski

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Partial list of things I've done for the first time in 2010



1. Snorkeled in the ocean.
2. Picked up a scorpion.
3. Salsa-danced on the streets of New Orleans.
4. Written a song.
5. Seen a Beatle perform live.
6. Sent pastrami across the country.
7. Sued someone.
8. Seen a shaman.
9. Script-supervised.
10. Made a meatloaf.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Partial list of 2011 resolutions

1. Take the high road.
2. Keep appointments.
3. Eschew "gossip".
4. Rekindle my relationship with writing by hand.
5. Pay more attention to my health.
6. Respond promptly.
7. Cook more.
8. Waste less time.
9. Finish my book.
10. Record a song.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

oy vey

It am not easy, life, but it is so, so worth it. What a horrid and interesting year this has been. I have learned so much through love, loss, and fear of loss ... and I have come to the conclusion that I am beyond blessed because of the people in my life. And dogs.

I am going to start writing on this dang thing again.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Grace and abundance


I am on a journey of healing - If you're compelled to stop reading right now, then please do so. If not ... as I hurtle toward my 40s I find myself embracing the fact that things happen for me, that I shed old skins, at a rate much slower than it might be for others my age, but how else could it happen? This is essentially me.

I saw a Shaman yesterday at the suggestion of my dear friend Tracey, who shares, in part, my vapors, and who, too, is on a journey of self-discovery of sorts. This experience felt nothing short of miraculous and I've not yet fully realized its effects, as it can take between 3 days and several weeks for the work to be fully integrated into one's being. So much to say on this but only if you want to hear about it; if not, suffice it to say that this experience has changed me and will continue to do so.

I made the heartbreaking decision (I was told it was a decision, not destiny) to separate from N. - from four years of a beautiful, mostly calm, and very sweet relationship the cornerstone of which is love. I came to realize, with great pain, that love in and of itself may not be enough. I love N but I've painfully realized over time that I've been denying myself some necessary me-ness. And I'm not very good at making me-oriented decisions. But there is a catalyst for this change - not a cause, but a catalyst, and I've no choice but to be optimistic and I am. Please wish me strength and clarity and love. And right back at you.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

The countdown's begun ...

Less than a month until I enter the next decade ... and by far the most significant one yet. I'm actually looking forward to 40, which is one of the joyous byproducts of being a late bloomer.

I am on the threshold of a whole new era, a bittersweet threshold for reasons I can't yet publicize. I need to let myself mourn the end of one long chapter but it's not yet time. And perhaps I need to celebrate the dawn of this new, uncharted one, but this will be a gradual process. I've got one foot in my "old" life" and one firmly planted in the new, and it's quite an odd place to be. I have made an enormous change that will take some close to me by surprise and to others will make some kind of sense. And this has been the hardest decision of my life, I am certain. And though my heart is broken, the sense of calm and possibility that's taken the place of denial and insecurity indicates that ultimately I have not made a terrible mistake - my biggest fear when making any kind of decision.

Vague enough for you?