Sleepless

Today is 2010's swan song ... I am in Paris, where it is currently 4:30 am, give or take quelque minutes. My parents have brought me and some family friends here as part of their very generous nod to my 40th birthday ... which I spent largely on an airplane on Tuesday. Next to an off-duty pilot, which was comforting -- he slept peacefully through fairly turbulent turbulence, and so I took my cues from him.

Forty. It's been quite a journey getting here -- a dizzying array of ups, downs, and sideways'. The highs have been extraordinary, the depths I've sunk to terrifying, and I have emerged strong and smart and capable and ready to manifest my present and future in the best way possible. Certainly there will be steps backwards, but I strive to take many more forward as I put into use the many lessons I've learned along the way. I once thought that was what my thirties were meant to be about; the closer I got to this decade, the more certain I became that in fact forty is the beginning of the best years. I hope I don't sound like a motivational coffee mug.

This past year has been one of beginnings and endings - very bittersweet. I've been using that word a lot lately to describe my current situation - and it really is that. I so look forward to sweet taking center stage, but I realize I have to be patient and to accept the fact that I can not control anyone's destiny or feelings besides my own. That realization has been decades in the making. I wish I could convince those who need convincing that the challenging, sad, or seemingly insurmountable phases do not last forever and that tranquility is attainable, but I can not. Just as no one could "convince" me of the aforementioned realization until I was ready - ready to relinquish decades of misplaced guilt and regret and fears that could not be assuaged no matter how much logic I attempted to embrace. My emotions have always taken over and I think I've feared letting that not be the case because on some plane, overriding my feelings with intellect felt dangerous.

Now that I realize I can update this blahg from here, I hope to do so a few more times before our triumphant return to the states on Tuesday.

For now, bonsoir, buenos noches, buona sera, ar labu nakti,leilatov. Now you know what the address above means. xoL

Ham on rye

The Laughing Heart

your life is your life
don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission.
be on the watch.
there are ways out.
there is a light somewhere.
it may not be much light but
it beats the darkness.
be on the watch.
the gods will offer you chances.
know them.
take them.
you can’t beat death but
you can beat death in life, sometimes.
and the more often you learn to do it,
the more light there will be.
your life is your life.
know it while you have it.
you are marvelous
the gods wait to delight
in you.

-- by Charles Bukowski

Partial list of things I've done for the first time in 2010

1. Snorkeled in the ocean.
2. Picked up a scorpion.
3. Salsa-danced on the streets of New Orleans.
4. Written a song.
5. Seen a Beatle perform live.
6. Sent pastrami across the country.
7. Sued someone.
8. Seen a shaman.
9. Script-supervised.
10. Made a meatloaf.

Partial list of 2011 resolutions

1. Take the high road.
2. Keep appointments.
3. Eschew "gossip".
4. Rekindle my relationship with writing by hand.
5. Pay more attention to my health.
6. Respond promptly.
7. Cook more.
8. Waste less time.
9. Finish my book.
10. Record a song.

oy vey

It am not easy, life, but it is so, so worth it. What a horrid and interesting year this has been. I have learned so much through love, loss, and fear of loss ... and I have come to the conclusion that I am beyond blessed because of the people in my life. And dogs.

I am going to start writing on this dang thing again.

Grace and abundance

I am on a journey of healing - If you're compelled to stop reading right now, then please do so. If not ... as I hurtle toward my 40s I find myself embracing the fact that things happen for me, that I shed old skins, at a rate much slower than it might be for others my age, but how else could it happen? This is essentially me.

I saw a Shaman yesterday at the suggestion of my dear friend Tracey, who shares, in part, my vapors, and who, too, is on a journey of self-discovery of sorts. This experience felt nothing short of miraculous and I've not yet fully realized its effects, as it can take between 3 days and several weeks for the work to be fully integrated into one's being. So much to say on this but only if you want to hear about it; if not, suffice it to say that this experience has changed me and will continue to do so.

I made the heartbreaking decision (I was told it was a decision, not destiny) to separate from N. - from four years of a beautiful, mostly calm, and very sweet relationship the cornerstone of which is love. I came to realize, with great pain, that love in and of itself may not be enough. I love N but I've painfully realized over time that I've been denying myself some necessary me-ness. And I'm not very good at making me-oriented decisions. But there is a catalyst for this change - not a cause, but a catalyst, and I've no choice but to be optimistic and I am. Please wish me strength and clarity and love. And right back at you.

The countdown's begun ...

Less than a month until I enter the next decade ... and by far the most significant one yet. I'm actually looking forward to 40, which is one of the joyous byproducts of being a late bloomer.

I am on the threshold of a whole new era, a bittersweet threshold for reasons I can't yet publicize. I need to let myself mourn the end of one long chapter but it's not yet time. And perhaps I need to celebrate the dawn of this new, uncharted one, but this will be a gradual process. I've got one foot in my "old" life" and one firmly planted in the new, and it's quite an odd place to be. I have made an enormous change that will take some close to me by surprise and to others will make some kind of sense. And this has been the hardest decision of my life, I am certain. And though my heart is broken, the sense of calm and possibility that's taken the place of denial and insecurity indicates that ultimately I have not made a terrible mistake - my biggest fear when making any kind of decision.

Vague enough for you?

Insomnia

A sonnet:

While late at night turns into early day,
Languid darkness fading into blue,
I cannot seem to figure out a way
To train my mind toward anything but you.

The sky is lighter now, the world has shape
Dawn emerges from the Eastern sea.
And still you’ve not attempted to escape
My thoughts or any other part of me.

No matter how the decades will unfold,
This was never lost or wasted time.
Look back upon these days when you grow old,
And know our love, though fleeting, was sublime.

A stubborn silver clings onto the night
I’ll always miss this early morning light.

Kismet

Well isn't this curious ... I could truly not recall the last time I wrote on this blahg but felt inspired to get back into it having just returned from ... New Orleans. I guess it really is in my blood. In fact, we may spend a couple of months there after the new year, details to follow. It's hard to describe the city to those who've not yet been: mystical, magical, haunted, beautiful, sketchy, still falling apart in some places ... or to quote Mark Twain for the 100th time, "New Orleans is a beautiful woman with dirty fingernails."

I will post some photos from our most recent visit soon, and perhaps will take the ill-advised step of posting a video, too.

Neil + piano + me + devil horns - proper lyrics. You decide.

It's nice to be back here.

Laissez les bons temps rouler!

Frenchmen Street

I want to have written but I don't feel like writing. There is a lot to catch up on if this blahg is intended to chronicle my life, but I'm so drained from it all that I can't delve. And anyone reading this probably knows me decently well and probably knows what's going on. I feel like I'm going through an emotional growth spurt and am learning, tiny bit by tiny bit, how to temper my sensitivity and reactions. There will be some regressing of course, but hopefully not much.

I am deeply missing New Orleans these days. I think I will take myself down there when the dust settles a bit if, in fact, it does before the sweltering days of hurricane season arrive. God I hope that's the case.

I visit New Orleans several times a week in my dreams. I've created one place in particular, a divey bar with live music that I frequent but can never find on my own. Sometimes it's also in Paris, sometimes the Lower East Side, but always New Orleans. I've had vivid recurring dreams all my life, some of which have become transparent, some that have not.

I hope I figure out how to get to that bar on my own.

Forgotten birds ...

Better things will surely come our way ...

My mind is heavy these days - my mind and my heart, but that sounds so cliché - and I just have to wait this phase out. I don't know if I should be writing about this at all. I don't know why I don't spill my thoughts into some kind of journal first, clear my head before writing for public consumption. I know, I know, the whole validation thing, product of this faux-writer's ego and whatever I decided a while back was my "emotional imprint", as they say in the books and on the talk shows. Freshen up those Psych 101 skills; the people I most want to talk to about what's going on are the ones I can't put this onto right now. I have great folks around me, of course, but no one can address what I'm feeling in quite the same way as they can, for better or for worse. And so I lie awake, which I do anyway, but this time insomnia is a montage of past and current regrets and a panicked glimpse of a stark future I'd never be ready for. And when I sleep I sleep the wrong hours, throw everything off balance and disappoint the people I most want to protect. I generally want to hibernate but at least once or twice a day, usually around this time, my eyes start to leak and I crave company.

Does this make any sense?

I was coming out of the shower before and heard N in the other room; he'd just come in. I practiced my greeting in my head first, "I thought I heard you!", thinking it sounded like what someone who was feeling "normal" might say.

Looking forward to this phase being over? Me too (and them too, and him too, and the dog too). In the meantime, I will talk about other things here. I just needed to get that other bit out.

Does any of this make sense? It does to me.

Skies above two of my favorite places ...

And I you ...

Birds

Ma mere

Breathe ...

This may be a bit all over the place, but bear with me. Or don't -- there's lots of other stuff out there to read. Like how Anna Paquin has announced her bisexuality, for instance. She's lovely, and she met my dog once and was nice to him.

So, in the midst of all that's been going on around me that I alluded to before, I'd been feeling a little something more than compassion for my friends. Of course they've been weighing heavily on my mind -- one is embarking on an unforeseen divorce where there are children and assets involved and it's been awful for her; one just lost her father; another has just had surgery for prostate cancer; another can't seem to keep herself out of trouble for very long. Add to that the long suffering broken hearts, motherless daughters, people-who-can't-see-the-forest and I've got my hands full -- willingly. I wish I could save everyone from everything but since that's not possible, this is something.

As I've said, it does comfort me to be here for the people I love (another reason to unload the toxic relationships and concentrate on the enriching ones); as someone who can fall apart so often and so easily -- though I'm getting better -- it soothes my soul to know that people can turn to me when they need me, and that I can help in some small way. Obviously this effects my moods -- I hurt when the people I love hurt, and worry when situations are out of control, but that's just the way it is.

But this time there seemed to be something more going on, or as I said to someone last week, "I'm feeling this weird sense of impending dread." As we know, I have what my sister calls "the vapors". And they were, in fact, heralding something more.

My mom invited me for lunch last Thursday; we usually meet out but she asked me to come over. We sat down and she told me we had something to talk about, and of course my tears started to well up. She's having surgery for a suspicious area of her lung that may be cancerous but very well may not be. All I heard was "lung cancer", and I fell apart, told her how much I love her and how sorry I am for any and everything I've ever done wrong, how she's my entire world. She hugged me, made me tea, got me an Ativan, made me eat and explained more -- that it might be a very specific and unusual type of LC -- or it might be completely benign, that the surgery is most often non-invasive and this is not an LC that tends to metastasize (took me three times to spell that right), and that the prognosis is highly encouraging. She scheduled her appointment to meet with the surgeon while I was there, and we hatched somewhat of a plan for how she would tell my sister, who is as hard to get on the phone away from work and kids as every other working mom is, and who lives out west.

My mom has beaten unusual forms of unrelated cancers twice before. Twenty years ago it was an extremely rare form of leukemia and she was given a fairly short window of possible cure. Apparently she looked at the doctor and said, "That's ridiculous." Twenty years later, we know she was right.

Right before 9-11 she was diagnosed with a type of breast cancer that, like this lung situation, tends to remain localized and is easier to treat. In rapid succession my Granny died suddenly, my mom was diagnosed, 9-11 hit and took away a friend and so much more, and my dad had a serious injury that required surgery and subsequent treatments. It was a challenging time, and my mom was the strongest force in it all.

She is now almost 9 years free of that cancer.

And now this. And she's not scared -- she promises me she's not scared -- and my dad and my sister are both taking their cues from her. So that's what I shall do. They did meet with the surgeon, scheduled it for later this month, and she has agreed to answer any questions I have along the way. This is a big deal; I'm the one they most dreaded telling, for reasons obvious to anyone who knows me, and so they tend to avoid frequent conversations that may elicit emotion.

This time around I will try not to fall apart anymore. This time I will be strong, level-headed, and as calm and non-teary as I can manage. This time I'll take my cues from her, and I'll try not to fear fear. I'll pray for the best, and assume all will be well.

All good thoughts welcome.

Je t'aime, Maman, toujours et avec tout mon coeur.

Let it be...

I really do wish I'd written more in the past couple of weeks but the truth is, I'm exhausted. Exhausted because of my poor sleep (and other) patterns. Exhausted because I have close, close friends who mean the world to me who are going through times far more difficult than they deserve, and who I insist on being available for. Because I love them. Because in my darkest hours, knowing I had people I could talk to and count on was what sustained me most. That and sleep, which we've already addressed. Exhausted because I've just battled my way out of a friendship that reached the toxicity level I addressed in ... 2008? This is a person who, in my opinion, blames the world for his current -- and vast -- problems, and who takes advantage of the kindnesses extended to him. In our recent flurry of emails -- his ranting, my responding and pointing out, but that's probably a biased read on the situation -- he told me that when I lent him money (which I'll never see again) at least I was "helping out someone who truly deserved it" and that I have no idea what the world is really like because I've "had it made". To which I pointed out that he knows nothing about my childhood -- not even where, city-wise, I grew up -- nor does he know anything about the dynamic in my family. Which is good, now, but hasn't always been. At all. And which furthers my point -- his presumptuousness is part of what makes him see the world as owing him something. I should just stop responding to his messages. I know I should. But on principle, I can't let false information that he spews at me go un-addressed. This has always been a problem for me.

Yep, I've got it made.

In any event, I'm going to try to sleep another hour -- today is an office day -- and, failing that, will shower and drink too much coffee and go to work feeling sluggish and slightly depressed from lack of sleep.

Non-sequitor:

When I was little, I thought the song, "Torn Between Two Lovers" was "Torn Between Two Leopards". I realize the cat above is a panther or puma, but I didn't see any leopards on that particular trip.

I need to talk about the positive things -- post more photos from Tulum, describe the amazing celebration we had for my mom, but ... I'm exhausted and not feeling particularly "up" these days. This too shall pass.

Thanks for listening.

I don't know where to begin. So much is happening.

And your mama's good looking...

True dat. And that doesn't skim the moons of the surface of what an amazing creature my mother is.

Her birthday's on Tuesday. If you remember to, think of her at some point that day. As she taught me to say when I was little and needed to make sure she really knew, "I love her more than words can say."

Driving on nine, you could be a shadow...

Holy smokes do I have a lot to say most of which I can't say now. And of course I'm awake -- why wouldn't I be when I'm due in the office tomorrow morning? Ma nishtana ha-laila ha-zeh mikol ha-leilot?

I've been feeling more 39 than I'd expected to lately. I've been mildly altering the rules. Now what? Now I settle back into 39 and calm the fuck down.

Someone once said to me, about 14 years ago, "I want to take your hand and walk you around the world." I still kind of love that.

Bears

I've been feeling melancholy since I've been back - and have been hibernating like a really tired bear. Okay, I'm back. But first I must sleep. Hasta manana, mi amores.

You saw me standing alone, without a dream in my heart, without a love of my own...

Tulum is beautiful, rustic, enchanting and imperfect. More pictures to come; here are a fewski:

The front yard:

The cabana:

The neighborhood -- ours is in the middle.


My reading room:

Drank cocktails here on non-rainy days.

Caribbean Sea:

Gratuitous awkward bathing suit shot 'cause I've been working at it:


El gato con el ojo con un problemo:

Testing the macro lens:

The loveliest of bartenders and outdoor showers. Mutually exclusive.


Papaya Playa with the best outdoor showers in my world.
Cool angles:

Artistic collaboration:
Pre-snorkeling:

Such a lot of world to see

I'm not sure I'm ready to write about Tulum to the extent that this last week deserves. There was so much vastness and newness and strange familiarity - to the specifics of this place and to the sea, which always overwhelms me.

Enough with the thickly veiled procrastination.

The basics: we stayed in a cabana on the beach at a small resort without electricity -- I think I've mentioned this -- on a strip outside of Tulum. Meals, drinks, outdoor showers all along the beach at the various spots -- all rustic and lovely. The weather varied from wet and blustery (relatively speaking) to sunny and beautiful, which it was the majority of the time.

Things I did for the first time this week:

1. Snorkeled above the reefs.
2. Seen, in the sea or otherwise, an animal that resembled a vertical hammerhead eel that hovers sideways.
3. Seen one of these in the wild.
4. Sunbathed topless.
5. Woken from a nap to see a scorpion (this, not this, unfortunately) walking by my bed.
   
6. Picked up a scorpion with a napkin and thrown it outside a bungalow.
7. Woken to hear Neil say, "Mother fucker - I just got stung by a scorpion."
   
8. Watched iguanas mate - or at least watched them mate other iguanas.
9. Seen things that look like really fat iguana-Gila monster hybrids either mate or fight, rolling down a hill in the process.

And many more, of course. Unfortunately I only have photos of two of the items above. I'll post one of them, and many more beautiful shots.

In the meantime, how have you been? Tell me stuff.